Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

Significant Dates We Don’t Forget

There are some dates in our personal lives that we never forget.  For me: March 17th (my birthday), May 30th, 2000 (year I graduated from high school), October 30th, 2003 (Bailey’s birthday)….  October has a few dates aside from Bailey’s birthday attached to it.  It marks the one year anniversary since a very toxic person left out of my life on the 20th and the 27th marks 18 years since I went through one of my dark times in life.  In 1995, age 14, I tried committing suicide by overdosing on pills.  There was so much I was dealing with at that point in my life.  I was still adjusting to moving here to Baton Rouge in 1993, the sexual abuse I suffered when I was a small child played on my mind a lot, I made myself sick over the wondering about my biological family and just feeling like I was a waste of space.  I had confided in a ‘friend’ at school about the sexual abuse and how I thought about suicide often to end the pain.  Instead of this girl showing some sort of sympathy, she told me, “You should just kill yourself to get out of this crazy world.”  All that did was add to more of my suicidal thoughts and when I got home from school, events unfolded.  How is it we have a hard time remembering good memories sometimes, but we can remember the bad stuff that happened to us much better?  I say this because I remember the whole thing that led to my overdose.  Here it is, I have someone that just told me I should go kill myself, I already feel like shit and I just want to be left alone.  I went directly upstairs and turned on the computer so I could continue writing my story I have talked about.  My Dad was at home with a bad sinus infection and sleeping in his chair; he heard me run up the stairs.  He must have had super hearing at that point because he heard me turn on the computer and told me to get off of it.  Things escalated to a yelling match between the two of us when he got upstairs.  One thing led to another, I locked myself in my room, took a handful of my sleep medication, wrote a suicide note and then laid in my bed hoping to die.  A few hours later, my brother’s girlfriend found me passed out and unresponsive.  Only thing I can remember from that point was her lightly slapping my face to try to wake me up.  Close to midnight, I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital.  My mom was pleading with me to just go back home with her and that she would hide all the knives to keep me safe.  I looked her dead in the eye and told her, “You can hide stuff all you want to, but I will kill myself in front of you.”  I spent 72 hours (Friday/Saturday-Monday) in there with teens who seemed worse off than I was.  Trust me, when they found out I tried to commit suicide, they let me know how stupid I was for trying to do that.  I had my medications changed and have been on my long way to recovery.  Over the years since then, I have had more battles to fight with suicide attempts, alcohol addiction and finding out who I really am.

The 6th of June, 2011 is another date that marks another dark point in my life.  I woke up that morning feeling like I was about to break in half.  The job I had been working at during that time was completely draining and just caused more harm than good to my life.  Sure I was making money to pay bills, but I was missing out on Bailey’s life.  My mother basically took over raising her while I put up with rude customers and a now ex-friend, who was my boss, that treated me more like a servant rather than an employee and friend.  I had so much that was going on aside from work stuff.  I was going back to university part time to earn a business degree, so trying to study and work was pressure itself.  About a month before my breakdown on the 6th of June, on the 11th of May, I was involved in a major car wreck.  I was lucky I walked away without any serious injuries, just a sore neck and back.  So here I have all of this that happens to me; I could not take anymore.  I remember going into a fit a rage that I have not had in a long time.  My room was a complete disaster zone and I was lucky I didn’t break my hand from punching the wall or put a hole in it.  I spent 10 days this time in another psych hospital getting on medication again, since I stopped taking meds in my mid-20s.  To see where I am now as in comparison to two years ago is a complete difference.

We have all experienced those dark moments in our lives and wondered if we will ever see the light at the end.  If I can survive sexual abuse, overcome alcohol addiction, see that life is not worth giving up and look forward to better days, then so can others.  Those significant dates you remember that pertains to your dark times just marks the date you went through a change that was a turning point in your life.  Life is worth living when you find the good in it, whether it’s the love you have for your friends and family, the happiness your animals bring you or whatever else it may be.  Be blessed my dear friends!



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