Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

18 Years Ago….

It has been 18 years since I went through one of my dark times in life.  In 1995, age 14, I tried committing suicide by overdosing on pills.  There was so much I was dealing with at that point in my life.  I was still adjusting to moving here to Baton Rouge in 1993, the sexual abuse I suffered when I was a small child played on my mind a lot, I made myself sick over the wondering about my biological family and just felt like I was a waste of space.  I had confided in a ‘friend’ at school about the sexual abuse and how I thought about suicide often to end the pain.  Instead of this girl showing some sort of sympathy, she told me, “You should just kill yourself to get out of this crazy world.”  All that did was add to more of my suicidal thoughts and when I got home from school, events unfolded.  How is it we have a hard time remembering good memories sometimes, but we can remember the bad stuff that happened to us much better?  I say this because I remember the whole thing that led to my overdose.  Here it is, I have someone that just told me I should go kill myself, I already feel like shit and I just want to be left alone.  I went directly upstairs and turned on the computer so I could continue writing my story I have talked about.  My Dad was at home with a bad sinus infection and sleeping in his chair; he heard me run up the stairs.  He must have had super hearing at that point because he heard me turn on the computer and told me to get off of it.  Things escalated to a yelling match between the two of us when he got upstairs.  One thing led to another, I locked myself in my room, took a handful of my sleep medication, wrote a suicide note and then laid in my bed hoping to die.  A few hours later, my brother’s girlfriend found me passed out and unresponsive.  Only thing I can remember from that point was her lightly slapping my face to try to wake me up.  Close to midnight, I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital.  My mom was pleading with me to just go back home with her and that she would hide all the knives to keep me safe.  I looked her dead in the eye and told her, “You can hide stuff all you want to, but I will kill myself in front of you.”  I spent 72 hours (Friday/Saturday-Monday) in there with teens who seemed worse off than I was.  Trust me, when they found out I tried to commit suicide, they let me know how stupid I was for trying to do that.  I had my medications changed and have been on my long way to recovery.  Over the years since then, I have had more battles to fight with suicide attempts, alcohol addiction and finding out who I really am.  

Suicide is never an answer, it just leaves more questions.  If you need help to overcome suicidal thoughts, please call your local suicide prevention hotline, they are there to help you.  In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255; this is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  Your life is worth living regardless what others say.  Do your best to ignore those who taunt you and make you feel like you can’t achieve anything.  Believe that things will get better.

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