Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

Archive for January, 2014

Self Expression Is Part of Creavitiy

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taking a self journey to find out who I am and has been interesting.  I found a side of me that was suppressed when I was a pre-teen and that was self expression.  I was never allowed to dress the way I wanted to or dye my hair different colors aside from what my mother deemed ‘normal’.  I had to conform to the image my mother wanted, a ‘normal’ daughter who was well behaved and stayed out of trouble.  I stayed on the straight and narrow to appease my mother’s wishes, but I was dying on the inside by doing that.  It wasn’t until 2011 when I had a spiritual awakening  that I saw what was suppressed needed to come out.  I may have not gone to extremes of dying my hair purple like I wanted to do when I was 17, but I have learned to lighten up and have some fun.  I have found a part in myself that wants to entertain people and feel the energy from them.  All of that has been locked away because of my sever lack of self confidence, judgement from other and being an introvert.  I am extremely shy when I first meet someone, but once I feel comfortable with them then I open up.  However, I’m slowly learning to overcome my fears and to let my inner child express herself.  We all have an inner child in us that needs to be nurtured and loved just as we want someone to love us.  I believe through that inner child is where our self expression lies and we must take care of them.  Self expression come in many forms such as art, dance, writing, singing, tattoos, piercings and so on.  So, go ahead and take some time to find your inner child, nurture and love them and let them lead you on the road to self expression.


Music: My Passion

When I was growing up, my parents had a player piano they would play to entertain guests whenever they would have a get together.  My brother took piano lessons when he was 7 and was always practicing.  I wanted to do the same as well when I was 3, but did not know how express my interest in wanting to learn.  Maybe banging around on the piano keys was an indication.  I had always enjoyed music class in elementary school and got excited when we would learn to play songs on the xylophones or other percussion instruments.  I was really excited when I joined the school choir in elementary school because I loved to sing.  I still love to sing even today; it’s a natural high for me.  When I was 9, I started taking piano lessons and advanced on to playing the clarinet in middle school.  I didn’t take piano lessons for long though; the teacher moved to another state.  I can say that learning to play the piano helped me when I transitioned to playing the clarinet.  I have been writing lyrics ever since I was 13 and it’s interesting to see how I have grown since then.  At age 14, I knew I wanted to be a singer, but my parents never supported that dream.  Like I said, I still love singing and will never stop.  Music for me is soothing and helps to calm my overactive nerves.  The feel of a microphone in my hand, my fingers struggling to fret chords on the guitar, my hands moving across the keyboard or piano….all natural highs for me.  I may not be a professional or have many years of training but just the little experience I have in itself is satisfying.  Biologically, I do come a musical family, so it is in my blood.  So when I write a topic about music or bands I really like, understand music flows through my veins and will always be a part of me.


Thoughts on “In Control” by Nemesea

Back in September, I wrote a blog entry about my thoughts and relation to lyrics from The Quiet Resistance.  I am going to do the same thing with their album In Control.  In Control was released in 2007

No More- Right out of the gate, this song really caught my attention and I still can’t get enough of it.  I honestly get a euphoric high every time I listen to it.  The song makes me think of someone who trusted someone, was deceived and is done with the relationship.  They tell the other person they are done with them, but that person won’t let them go.  Basically what I read into some of it is, “F*ck off, I’m tired of your bullshit!”  I have used this song alot while writing my book.

In Control- This song makes me think of someone who was in a controlling relationship or had someone who was driving them insane in the shadows.  What I mean by “in the shadows” is a stalker.  Revenge came in some form of justice and now it’s time for the controller to get what is due to them.  The controlled person is now in control of the other person.  Another song I use while I write.

Home- This song makes me think of someone chasing after someone else and getting rejected.  They realized that it was useless to chase them just to find happiness.  “Tried too hard to make you love me/Fought so hard just to reach you/Now I see it was worthless to think you/Felt the same……”  I can completely relate to this line because I had been doing that for the longest time.  I eventually caught up to that person and they rejected me again.  I’m to a point where I see it’s useless to keep chasing them.

The Way I Feel- This is the VERY FIRST Nemesea song I heard on Spotify! I remember the exact location; in my parents’ kitchen while I was folding my laundry.  This song makes me think of a break-up and how hard it is to move on from that person.  The first time I broke up with my girlfriend, I just couldn’t move past her, but eventually did.

Lost Inside- I can really relate to this song.  I have some dark stuff I hide and am scared to open up to some people what I hide inside.  I feel if I tell someone about the pain , they won’t understand it.  Alot of times what I hide from others rips my heart open and kills small parts of my emotions slowly everyday.

Remember- This song makes me think about when I was in a relationship with someone many years.  I finally woke up one day and realized they were really fake.

Believe- I LOVE this song!  It makes me think about those people in my life who said I couldn’t do anything by myself.  I tried to get someone’s attention and did some desperate things to gain it.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized I need to be myself and show that person I don’t need to conform to the way they say I should be.  If that person ever told me they were proud of me, I would ask them where were they when I was working my ass off.  I am striving to reach my goals and chase my dreams everyday and I don’t need them bringing me down.

Like The Air- Many times I have felt like I would be better off dead than to face the pain I have gone through and still face.  I can relate to the emotions in the song.  I’m glad I didn’t die and that I’m still alive today.

Broken- Wow, I could say alot about how I can relate to this song.  There are some people currently in my life that have continually hurt and rejected me.  They seem to think I’m just some piece of trash that was thrown away and that I don’t matter.  They have made my life a living Hell and I regret meeting them.  To protect myself, I have to distance myself from them.  They have broken me, but I’m a stronger person because of them.

Never- All I can associate with this song is rage.  Rage that has built up and is ready to be released.  I have a short temper and can experience rage episodes at times.  That rage though really is poisonous and not only kills the person who gets it, but kills me as well.