Music, books, and personal thoughts on life



1993 was when things started to change in my life. My family and I moved to Baton Rouge that year which was hard on me. I didn’t make friends too easily, and it’s the same today to a certain extent, becoming friends with people easily. I have never been one to follow the latest trends or try to fit in with the crowd; I’m a loner. I guess you could say I was the geeky girl with glasses, who listened to Europop and Eurodance constantly rather than alot of Top 40 radio and was picked on because of it.

I remember in 1994, my mom was concerned about me because I constantly stayed shut up in my room and hardly interacted with anyone. She took me to see a psychologist because she wanted to know what was going on and why I was acting the way I was. She knew about the sexual molestation that happened to me as a child and wondered if it was one of the reasons I isolated myself all the time.

From about the age of 2 or 3 until I was 9, a neighbor my parents trusted took advantage of me. The abuse started when I was starting to potty train. This man would put his hand inside my panties to make sure I didn’t pee on myself. There were times he would act like he had something in his eye and wanted me to see what it was. As soon as I got close, he would kiss me on my lips. As I got a little older, things had gone from just putting his hand in my panties to fondling. He would tell me to go get a blanket from a storage table in the living room and take a nap with him. It was during that time he would fondle me. His wife was in the room while this was going on and seemed like she didn’t suspect anything. The only time he would not touch me was when I had on jeans or a button he would have to undo.

It wasn’t until I was 9 when I got the courage to tell my mother what had been going on. Something clicked in my brain and told me what this man was doing to me was wrong. After I told my mother about the abuse, I had nightmares that this man was chasing after me and would abuse me again. When I was 14, I tried to overdose on pills because I was tired of dealing with the pain I was going through. I felt dirty and that I was nothing but damaged goods. Anytime someone has tried to get close to me, I have shut them out and pushed them away. It’s done out of fear because I am scared that I will get taken advantage of again. Intimacy has also been another problem for me because of the abuse as well. Sexual abuse has a lifelong effect on a person who has gone through it.

As one counselor told me, it has tentacles that reach out into other parts of our lives. Yes, I have been in therapy for the past 20 years and there is nothing wrong about that. You don’t heal overnight from abuse of any form. It’s a lifelong process to go through. As a survivor, I can tell my story and let others out in the world know they’re not alone. I respect other survivors out in the word who have been brave enough to break their silence and share their stories. If you have lived through hell, always remember you’re a survivor.


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