Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

Archive for May, 2014

Blue Is The Warmest Color (La Vie d’Adèle, Chapitre 1 & 2)

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I finally got a chance to watch the movie Blue Is The Warmest Color.  Despite what some movie critics and others have said about it, I found it to be an excellent piece of art.  I could relate to some of the story line, more so with Emma than Adele.  When the newness of their relationship began fade, it became obvious they didn’t have a lot in common.  Emma was more artistic and creative, whereas Adele was what I call simple and uninspired.
Two parts of the movie moved me to tears.

The first one was when Emma found out Adele was having an affair with a colleague.  I understand that Adele felt alone because of Emma being consumed with her artwork, but there was lack of communication between them.  She could have gone to her and expressed how she was feeling, but she chose to run into the arms of her colleague to feel like she was wanted.  To see the tears in Emma’s eyes showed how much she had been hurt by Adele’s actions.  She took Adele under her wing, taught her things and then was betrayed by her.
The second part that moved me was when they met up each other a few years later.  It was obvious that Adele had never gotten over Emma.  You could still see a connection between them, but it was different this time.  Emma still had feelings for Adele, but she had moved on from her.  She had her life with her partner and the partner’s daughter.  Like she said, that was her family and life now.  If she would have had an affair with Adele, she would be doing what was done to her and would have felt horrible for doing that to her partner.
I think if some people would look past the sex scenes and the same-sex relationship, they would see the full story.  Every relationship goes through ups and downs, and we all face judgment from society.  When people don’t understand something, they tend to react in fear rather than learn about it so they can understand it.  The story of love and loss is one many can relate to and that is what this film shows.  Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos did a wonderful job bringing their characters to life.  I read that they only read through the script once and didn’t look at it again during filming.  They felt like people you would know in real life, not some stereotypical characters in a movie.  I see why Spielberg gave them the award he did, they deserved it.

The Monster Inside of Me

The past couple of weeks have taken me back into dark places I thought I left behind three years ago.  My eyes hurt from crying every night as I go to sleep.  I do my best to hide my tears and pain behind a smile, but I let myself go when I get home, and away from the outside world.  I get mad at myself for crying and I don’t even know the reason behind it.  Is it because I have shut myself off from other people that are not my immediate family?  Is it because I feel like I don’t exist to some people in my life?  Is it because I put too much pressure on myself to be the person others want me to be, yet I can’t never obtain that goal?  I don’t feel helpless and hopeless.  I don’t feel the need to numb the pain with alcohol as I did in the past.  I’m definitely not having fleeting thoughts of self harm as I did in the past.  I feel like I’m dying on the inside because of all the confusion I’m going through.  A few months ago, I had a dream that I needed emergency surgery to repair a valve that was causing blood to leak into my stomach.  When I told the doctor I was fine and didn’t need any surgery, he said, “You need to do this today.  You already have gray tissue forming inside of you.”  Maybe that was a message to forewarn me that I was already dying inside.  There are times I wish I had a best friend that would listen to me vent and offer a shoulder for me to cry on.  I would do the same for them if and when the tables were turned.  Sadly though, I push a lot of people away.  I feel as though people are scare of me or just think I’m too ‘weird’ for them.  Whatever the case may be, it completely sucks.  I have only myself to blame for pushing other out of my life.

Cleaning Out My Closet: Coming Out

I have talked about my sexuality a few times on here, but I’m not sure if I have talked about what I have gone through before I came out.  If I’m repeating myself, I’m sorry, but hopefully my experience can help others out there.

My story:

I grew up in a conservative Southern Baptist home.  My mother made sure my brother and I went to church on a regular basis, and that we were part of church activities.  I didn’t know anything about homosexuality until I had gotten older.  When I was around 9 or ten, some girls my age were becoming interested in boys and talking about who they thought was cute.  I could’t relate to thinking  guys were cute or that I wanted to date them.  I didn’t become aware of my sexual orientation until I was 12.  I had developed a crush on a girl I knew, but couldn’t understand why.  “I’m supposed to have crushes on boys, not girls!” I told myself.  My mom saw I was depressed and asked me to tell her why I was.  I remember I started crying and told her I think I should have been born a boy.  She asked me why and I told her about my crush on this certain girl.  She told me that I was going through puberty so it was probably was just a phase I was going through.  I convinced myself of that, but it just didn’t feel right.  I hid my true self behind failed heterosexual relationships I had when I was in high school.  It was in high school I was exposed to more things about sexuality and how homophobic some people in my school were.  I saw one guy constantly get picked on because of being gay.  Kids can be so cruel and not realize that their words and actions can have a huge impact on someone’s life.  It wasn’t until I graduated that I decided to come out.  When I told one of my family members, they said if I was ‘going to be that way’ that they didn’t want to associate with me.  When I told my mom, she said she already knew I was because of some behaviors I displayed while I was going up.  After that, she took me to an OB/GYN so they could talk to me about the ‘lifestyle’ I wanted to live.  That doctor said I needed reparative therapy and gave me the number for a counselor that could help me.  After I started to see the counselor, I pretended I was being healed and ready to live a heterosexual life.  I went back behind the mask, got married and had a child.  I was never in love with my ex-husband.  I enjoyed his companionship and just having someone to spend time with away from the tension at home with my parents.  In 2008, I fell head over heels in love with a girl I met in a chat room set up for Evanescence fans.  She and I had a volatile relationship though that was toxic and drove me to the brink of a mental breakdown in 2011.  I would deny being a relationship with her, before things got volatile, but my parents knew better.  I was repeatedly told that I was living in sin and that God would punish me for having same sex relationships.  It was so hard to hide my identity when I decided to get involved in church again.  In 2012, I had enough of living a lie and came out as a lesbian.  I still hid it from some of my friends at church, but today I’m coming clean.  I am a lesbian and have been all my life.  No, I’m not attracted to every woman I see or come in contact with.  Within my own spiritual journey, I have gotten to know a God who loves me for who I am and how I treat others, not who I fall in love with.  I am finally comfortable with who I am.  I know there are people out there who don’t agree with the person I am, but they aren’t going to change me.  They can call me all kinds of names, but should they ever try to attack me, they better watch out.  I have lived in fear too long, now I’m ready to fight back.  I am and always will be a fighter for equal rights and fairness everyone upon this Earth deserves.

If you are reading this and can relate to hiding behind a mask, you aren’t alone.  Sometimes you have to stand alone and fight for what you love.  If anyone makes you feel like crap because you’re a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, just know that they are doing it out of fear.  When some people see something that in their eyes isn’t ‘normal’, they react in fear.  That fear comes in different forms and one of them is words.  Stand strong and know that I stand with you to face those who tell you that your sexuality is wrong.  Nothing is wrong with you.  You’re not a freak, damaged person or whatever else some hateful person tells you.  You are who you were created to be and you are beautiful.  There is no such thing is ‘normal’, that’s just a setting on a washing machine or dishwasher.