The Monster Inside of Me
The past couple of weeks have taken me back into dark places I thought I left behind three years ago. My eyes hurt from crying every night as I go to sleep. I do my best to hide my tears and pain behind a smile, but I let myself go when I get home, and away from the outside world. I get mad at myself for crying and I don’t even know the reason behind it. Is it because I have shut myself off from other people that are not my immediate family? Is it because I feel like I don’t exist to some people in my life? Is it because I put too much pressure on myself to be the person others want me to be, yet I can’t never obtain that goal? I don’t feel helpless and hopeless. I don’t feel the need to numb the pain with alcohol as I did in the past. I’m definitely not having fleeting thoughts of self harm as I did in the past. I feel like I’m dying on the inside because of all the confusion I’m going through. A few months ago, I had a dream that I needed emergency surgery to repair a valve that was causing blood to leak into my stomach. When I told the doctor I was fine and didn’t need any surgery, he said, “You need to do this today. You already have gray tissue forming inside of you.” Maybe that was a message to forewarn me that I was already dying inside. There are times I wish I had a best friend that would listen to me vent and offer a shoulder for me to cry on. I would do the same for them if and when the tables were turned. Sadly though, I push a lot of people away. I feel as though people are scare of me or just think I’m too ‘weird’ for them. Whatever the case may be, it completely sucks. I have only myself to blame for pushing other out of my life.