Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

Archive for June, 2014

After Two Years, I’m Letting You Go….

Dear former companion,

When we met several years ago, I thought I had found the better half of me.  We clicked when we first met and quickly grew close to each other.  We could sense what each other was thinking or emotions we were experiencing.  Many late nights spent on the phone talking about nothing, and countless webcam chat sessions and MSN Messenger conversations.  The more time I spent with you, the more I became under your spell.  It took me a long time to confess my feelings for you because I was scared of rejection.  You didn’t reject me and said the feelings were mutual.  Our relationship took off after that, but we had to hide it from the world.  I would do my best to rush to your side when you were upset about the way life was treating you.  I saw how you were badly treated and all I could do was hold you in my arms.  I didn’t care if your tears and snot got my shirt wet, I wanted to take your pain away.  At that point in time, if I could have, I would have gotten you out of the environment you were in.  I wanted to give you the love and respect you deserved.

However, distance and distrust began to tear us apart.  Speculations of cheating, constant fighting, self-destructive behavior, broken promises and life changes took its toll on our relationship.  We drifted apart as fast as we had grown close to each other.  Our love slowly faded into dislike.  We both became tired of the emotional roller coaster we were on, but we didn’t know how to get off of it .  It wasn’t until I made the hard decision to end it.  I acted like it didn’t bother me, but I was torn up inside.  I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  I was hurting just like you, but the toxic poison needed to stop pouring between us.  We tried to remain friends, but that was stressful as well.  Hearing about you being in a new relationship ripped me up inside.  It ripped me up because I was still in love with you.  Our friendship began to fall apart after that.

We didn’t talk to each other for six months after another one of our intense arguments until I sent you a letter asking for forgiveness.  Slowly we tried to mend our fractured friendship and rekindle our relationship, but everything fell apart.  When that happened, I was finally able to see through all of the bullshit.  I was able to see how well you had played me and my heart.  You would probably say the same about me, but we’re all human.

Alex Vause on Orange is the New Black said it best: Rule number one – Never fall in love with a straight girl.

We’re not Alex Vause and Piper Chapman, but the relationship they had reminds me of how we used to be, minus the drug trafficking.  The relationship between Adele and Emma in Blue Is The Warmest Color to me reflects how things were for us at one time.  One thing Emma said to Adele close to the end of the movie struck a chord with me. Emma: I have infinite tenderness for you, and I will my whole life.  I don’t love you anymore and you ripped my heart open with a razor blade, but you also left a scar there that has your name on it. I don’t have an infinite tenderness for you, but I hope you find what you are looking for.  I would never be able to give you what you wanted.  I am letting you go and moving on with my life.  I bid you farewell and good luck with your life.


Your ex-best friend and lover

I Believe….


Believe by Nemesea has been a special song to me ever since I heard it last year.  I think of all the things I wanted to accomplish and how I was told I couldn’t do it.  This song has given me encouragement to believe in myself when no one else does.  On my birthday this year, I got the ending lyrics for the chorus tattooed on my right wrist.  Whenever I feel discouraged or that I can’t accomplish my goals, I look at my wrist to remind me that I need to always believe in myself.  When someone says you can’t do something, believe in yourself and show them you can accomplish your goals and dreams.


My Nemesea tattoo

My Nemesea tattoo


Ace of Base Led Me To Göteborg, Sweden

Ace of Base Led Me To Göteborg, Sweden



Back in fall of 1993, when I was 12 years old, a former neighbor came to visit my family.  He had a mix tape with him that had some of his favorite songs on it.  One of the songs on there caught my attention with a reggae beat and a flute sound playing at the beginning.  I asked him what the name of the song was and he said, “All That She Wants by Ace of Base.”  After I heard it, I was hooked.  It wasn’t until March of 1994 when I was able to buy AOB’s album.  I drove my parents crazy playing the CD over and over in my room, and going around the house singing the songs.  In 1994, the Internet was in its infancy age, so there was no way I could find out where AOB was from.  My only source for artists information was MTV.  When I found out the band was from Sweden, I wanted to find out everything I could about it.  Before Encarta ’95, the coolest CD-ROM encyclopedia back in the ’90s, I had to look up information about Sweden in a 1977 encyclopedia book.  Yeah, my parents were a little behind in keeping up-to-date educational materials around (note the sarcastic tone).  Soon I found out the name of the city that AOB called home- Göteborg or for English speakers, Gothenburg.  I found what information I could about the city and craved to know more about it.  Around the time I was researching information about Sweden and Göteborg, I had an idea that popped into my head to write a story that took place there.  Over the past 20 years I have continued to learn about Sweden and Göteborg.  The more I learn about the city, the more I fall in love with it.  There is something magical about Göteborg that keeps pulling me in.

Thank you Ace of Base for your music, introducing me to Sweden, and to ‘Little Liverpool’, Göteborg!

Blue Has Become The Warmest Color…

Last night I read the graphic novel that inspired the movie for BITWC, and I couldn’t stop crying.  To see a love so strong between two people is a powerful thing.  The passion of Emma and Clementine’s relationship was so raw and real.  They were meant to be together, but Clementine’s shame about her sexuality caused a rift between them.  When Emma threw Clementine out and she turned to pills to numb her pain, it reminded me of how I turned to alcohol to numb my pain.  When someone rejects you, it causes a pain so deep inside that you do what you can to deaden it.  Your heart feels all fucked up and sometimes you can’t even breathe from the anxiety that rolls through your mind.  You constantly ask yourself what you could have done differently.  You wish you could go back in time and make things right.  What if doing something different or making things right didn’t change things though?  Would you have regrets?  Maybe what happened was because of the choice you made.  We don’t get do overs in life.  It would have been nice to see Emma and Clementine get back together, but it was too late.  In life we never realize how good we have something until it’s gone.  I thought my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was great, until things started to fall apart.  I thought I had lost a good thing, but four years later, I see it was one of the best things to lose.  Emma and Clementine were together for 13 years.  The shame Clem harbored inside about her sexuality and her choice to stray severed their relationship.  After losing Emma, she felt like there was no reason to live anymore.  Someone might say that she was too emotionally dependent on Emma.  I see it as a heart breaking because of one wrong choice to stray into someone else’s arms.  When you lose a love like Emma and Clementine’s love for each other, you slowly start to die on the inside.  Depression consumes every part of your body and you feel like you’re drowning.  I will end with what Clementine wrote to Emma:

“Emma, you asked me if I believed in eternal love.  Love is something way too abstract and indefinable.  It depends on what we perceive and what we experienced.  If we don’t exist, it doesn’t exist.  And we change so much; love must change as well.  Love catches fire, it trespasses, it breaks, we break, it comes back to life…we come back to life.  Love  may not be eternal, but it can make us eternal.  Beyond death, the love that we shared continues to live.”

Blue Is The Warmest Color: A more in depth look through my eyes


Last week I wrote an entry about Blue Is The Warmest Color and what I thought about it.  I have had more time to let everything about the movie sink in.  The more I thought about things, the more emotional I got.  I keep going back to the second part of the film and mulling over it.  Yes, the beginning was good and showed the development of Emma and Adele’s relationship.  The second part though is where the emotional parts for me kicked in.  It was obvious that Adele was uncomfortable around Emma’s friends.  She felt like she couldn’t relate to any of them.  I think we have come across some people or groups in our lives that have made us feel inferior to them.  Not that they are rude or mean people, but because in our minds we think we’re inferior to them.  I think that’s how Adele probably felt.

The scene when they are in bed, Emma mentioned to Adele that she should do more writing and Adele took offence to it.  Emma wanted to see her break out of her comfort zone and do something that would make her feel fulfilled.  She knew that Adele was a good writer and was trying to encourage her to be more creative, and to show the world what she could do.  She saw something special in Adele that Adele herself she couldn’t see.  She told Emma she was fulfilled just being with her.  She made Emma her whole world and wasn’t about to disrupt that, but then she made her choice to stray.

One of the most emotional scenes for me was when Emma threw Adele out of her house.  She strolled in the door like everything is fine and shows a little affection towards Emma.  However, it was obvious that Emma knew about the affair she was having with her colleague from work.  You see the hurt and anger in Emma’s eyes before she flew into a rage about it.  I could relate to this because I had the same thing happen to me.  My ex-girlfriend was going behind my back and seeing other people.  I could sense it was going on but knew if I asked her she would deny it.  Many times I flew into a rage within myself because the thought of her doing that killed me on the inside.  Like Emma, I was the older one in the relationship and I put up with a lot of crap the four years we were together. When you take someone under your wing and care a lot about them, only to be betrayed, it’s a slap in the face.  You feel like someone has stripped you down to nothing and every emotion in your body is exposed.  Emma loved Adele without a shadow of a doubt, but her love turned cold after she confronted her about the infidelity.

I don’t want to give away anymore to those who have not seen it just yet.

BITWC opened up some old wounds for me, but I have been processing the pain I experienced when I got them.  I had taken that pain and stuffed it inside, hoping not to deal with it ever again.  Over the past three years I have been learning healthier ways to deal with painful memories.  I remind myself everyday I’m alive and I didn’t die after going through the harsh breakup with my ex-girlfriend 3 years ago.  I went through periods of crying and felt my heart break, but I had to let go of her.  I know that I am better off without her now because our relationship was volatile and toxic.  I have moved on with my life.  Yes, my world used to revolve around my ex, but I became emotionally drained.  I don’t miss the feeling of being built up and torn down every two weeks.  Did I love my ex?  I did at one point, but I don’t now.  I do hope she is doing well, but I don’t want to lay eyes on her again.  I’m still working on trying to forgive her for the role she played in things during that point in my life.
The movie has helped me deal with the ghosts of my past and ripped me open emotionally.  When I saw the connection Adele and Emma still had with each other post breakup, I got tears in my eyes.  The attraction was so strong, but so were the walls that were between them.  I’m sure more emotions will follow in the weeks to come, but there is nothing wrong with feeling emotions, which I lack at times.

You’ve Got A Friend In Me, But I’m Emotionally Distant

“What does she mean behind the title of this blog entry?” you may be asking yourself.  Let me see if I can explain it from my point of view.  I have friends, but not ones or one that is close enough to me who knows how I tick.  The last time I saw any of my friends was probably six or more months ago.  I have spent a majority of my time working on my book and less time socializing with anyone outside of my immediate family members.  I have this thing called Schizotypal Personality Disorder that tends to get in the way of allowing anyone to get close to me.  It’s not full-blown or textbook , just very strong traits that I have associated with this disorder.  No I don’t have delusions or hear voices, I just have a different way of thinking and doing things.  I can read the emotions of other people, but I can’t express my emotions too well in front of anyone.  I can come across as cold and aloof or distant if you were to meet me in person.  I can open up a little easier on here, but in person, you would probably get frustrated trying to get to know me.

I don’t have a large group of friends nor do I go hang out with the ones I do have.  Even though I know them, I’m just not comfortable being in large group settings with them.  It’s not that I fear judgement, I have bad social anxiety.  I am and have been a loner for as long as I can remember, and in some strange way I don’t mind being alone a lot.  Like I said before, I don’t have many close friends outside of my parents and daughter.  It’s hard for me to relate to people, even thought I can sense their emotions and want to help them if they feel down.  There are times I feel like no one can understand me, but I know it’s because of how closed off I am in person.  What it all boils down to is that I am highly creative but also highly sensitive.  I try not to let this personality disorder affect my daily life, but it’s hard at times.

It was thought that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, but psychological testing proved otherwise.  The thought that I had that was due to what a psychologist told my parents a few years ago.  However, I have had other mental health professionals disagree with what my parents were told.  Psych testing ruled out Apserger’s as a possibility and a personality disorder was discovered in place of that.

I have the ability to make friends, but not close ones.  Unless someone is willing to break through the thick walls that have been built around me, I don’t think many will know who I really am.  You have a friend in me and I am extremely loyal, but just know that I am emotionally distant and hard to connect with at times.  I’m not anti-social, just not user-friendly at times.