Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

Archive for June, 2014

I Believe….


Believe by Nemesea has been a special song to me ever since I heard it last year.  I think of all the things I wanted to accomplish and how I was told I couldn’t do it.  This song has given me encouragement to believe in myself when no one else does.  On my birthday this year, I got the ending lyrics for the chorus tattooed on my right wrist.  Whenever I feel discouraged or that I can’t accomplish my goals, I look at my wrist to remind me that I need to always believe in myself.  When someone says you can’t do something, believe in yourself and show them you can accomplish your goals and dreams.


My Nemesea tattoo

My Nemesea tattoo



Ace of Base Led Me To Göteborg, Sweden

Ace of Base Led Me To Göteborg, Sweden



Back in fall of 1993, when I was 12 years old, a former neighbor came to visit my family.  He had a mix tape with him that had some of his favorite songs on it.  One of the songs on there caught my attention with a reggae beat and a flute sound playing at the beginning.  I asked him what the name of the song was and he said, “All That She Wants by Ace of Base.”  After I heard it, I was hooked.  It wasn’t until March of 1994 when I was able to buy AOB’s album.  I drove my parents crazy playing the CD over and over in my room, and going around the house singing the songs.  In 1994, the Internet was in its infancy age, so there was no way I could find out where AOB was from.  My only source for artists information was MTV.  When I found out the band was from Sweden, I wanted to find out everything I could about it.  Before Encarta ’95, the coolest CD-ROM encyclopedia back in the ’90s, I had to look up information about Sweden in a 1977 encyclopedia book.  Yeah, my parents were a little behind in keeping up-to-date educational materials around (note the sarcastic tone).  Soon I found out the name of the city that AOB called home- Göteborg or for English speakers, Gothenburg.  I found what information I could about the city and craved to know more about it.  Around the time I was researching information about Sweden and Göteborg, I had an idea that popped into my head to write a story that took place there.  Over the past 20 years I have continued to learn about Sweden and Göteborg.  The more I learn about the city, the more I fall in love with it.  There is something magical about Göteborg that keeps pulling me in.

Thank you Ace of Base for your music, introducing me to Sweden, and to ‘Little Liverpool’, Göteborg!

You’ve Got A Friend In Me, But I’m Emotionally Distant

“What does she mean behind the title of this blog entry?” you may be asking yourself.  Let me see if I can explain it from my point of view.  I have friends, but not ones or one that is close enough to me who knows how I tick.  The last time I saw any of my friends was probably six or more months ago.  I have spent a majority of my time working on my book and less time socializing with anyone outside of my immediate family members.  I have this thing called Schizotypal Personality Disorder that tends to get in the way of allowing anyone to get close to me.  It’s not full-blown or textbook , just very strong traits that I have associated with this disorder.  No I don’t have delusions or hear voices, I just have a different way of thinking and doing things.  I can read the emotions of other people, but I can’t express my emotions too well in front of anyone.  I can come across as cold and aloof or distant if you were to meet me in person.  I can open up a little easier on here, but in person, you would probably get frustrated trying to get to know me.

I don’t have a large group of friends nor do I go hang out with the ones I do have.  Even though I know them, I’m just not comfortable being in large group settings with them.  It’s not that I fear judgement, I have bad social anxiety.  I am and have been a loner for as long as I can remember, and in some strange way I don’t mind being alone a lot.  Like I said before, I don’t have many close friends outside of my parents and daughter.  It’s hard for me to relate to people, even thought I can sense their emotions and want to help them if they feel down.  There are times I feel like no one can understand me, but I know it’s because of how closed off I am in person.  What it all boils down to is that I am highly creative but also highly sensitive.  I try not to let this personality disorder affect my daily life, but it’s hard at times.

It was thought that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, but psychological testing proved otherwise.  The thought that I had that was due to what a psychologist told my parents a few years ago.  However, I have had other mental health professionals disagree with what my parents were told.  Psych testing ruled out Apserger’s as a possibility and a personality disorder was discovered in place of that.

I have the ability to make friends, but not close ones.  Unless someone is willing to break through the thick walls that have been built around me, I don’t think many will know who I really am.  You have a friend in me and I am extremely loyal, but just know that I am emotionally distant and hard to connect with at times.  I’m not anti-social, just not user-friendly at times.