Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

You’ve Got A Friend In Me, But I’m Emotionally Distant

“What does she mean behind the title of this blog entry?” you may be asking yourself.  Let me see if I can explain it from my point of view.  I have friends, but not ones or one that is close enough to me who knows how I tick.  The last time I saw any of my friends was probably six or more months ago.  I have spent a majority of my time working on my book and less time socializing with anyone outside of my immediate family members.  I have this thing called Schizotypal Personality Disorder that tends to get in the way of allowing anyone to get close to me.  It’s not full-blown or textbook , just very strong traits that I have associated with this disorder.  No I don’t have delusions or hear voices, I just have a different way of thinking and doing things.  I can read the emotions of other people, but I can’t express my emotions too well in front of anyone.  I can come across as cold and aloof or distant if you were to meet me in person.  I can open up a little easier on here, but in person, you would probably get frustrated trying to get to know me.

I don’t have a large group of friends nor do I go hang out with the ones I do have.  Even though I know them, I’m just not comfortable being in large group settings with them.  It’s not that I fear judgement, I have bad social anxiety.  I am and have been a loner for as long as I can remember, and in some strange way I don’t mind being alone a lot.  Like I said before, I don’t have many close friends outside of my parents and daughter.  It’s hard for me to relate to people, even thought I can sense their emotions and want to help them if they feel down.  There are times I feel like no one can understand me, but I know it’s because of how closed off I am in person.  What it all boils down to is that I am highly creative but also highly sensitive.  I try not to let this personality disorder affect my daily life, but it’s hard at times.

It was thought that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, but psychological testing proved otherwise.  The thought that I had that was due to what a psychologist told my parents a few years ago.  However, I have had other mental health professionals disagree with what my parents were told.  Psych testing ruled out Apserger’s as a possibility and a personality disorder was discovered in place of that.

I have the ability to make friends, but not close ones.  Unless someone is willing to break through the thick walls that have been built around me, I don’t think many will know who I really am.  You have a friend in me and I am extremely loyal, but just know that I am emotionally distant and hard to connect with at times.  I’m not anti-social, just not user-friendly at times.


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