You’ve Got A Friend In Me, But I’m Emotionally Distant
“What does she mean behind the title of this blog entry?” you may be asking yourself. Let me see if I can explain it from my point of view. I have friends, but not ones or one that is close enough to me who knows how I tick. The last time I saw any of my friends was probably six or more months ago. I have spent a majority of my time working on my book and less time socializing with anyone outside of my immediate family members. I have this thing called Schizotypal Personality Disorder that tends to get in the way of allowing anyone to get close to me. It’s not full-blown or textbook , just very strong traits that I have associated with this disorder. No I don’t have delusions or hear voices, I just have a different way of thinking and doing things. I can read the emotions of other people, but I can’t express my emotions too well in front of anyone. I can come across as cold and aloof or distant if you were to meet me in person. I can open up a little easier on here, but in person, you would probably get frustrated trying to get to know me.
I don’t have a large group of friends nor do I go hang out with the ones I do have. Even though I know them, I’m just not comfortable being in large group settings with them. It’s not that I fear judgement, I have bad social anxiety. I am and have been a loner for as long as I can remember, and in some strange way I don’t mind being alone a lot. Like I said before, I don’t have many close friends outside of my parents and daughter. It’s hard for me to relate to people, even thought I can sense their emotions and want to help them if they feel down. There are times I feel like no one can understand me, but I know it’s because of how closed off I am in person. What it all boils down to is that I am highly creative but also highly sensitive. I try not to let this personality disorder affect my daily life, but it’s hard at times.
It was thought that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, but psychological testing proved otherwise. The thought that I had that was due to what a psychologist told my parents a few years ago. However, I have had other mental health professionals disagree with what my parents were told. Psych testing ruled out Apserger’s as a possibility and a personality disorder was discovered in place of that.
I have the ability to make friends, but not close ones. Unless someone is willing to break through the thick walls that have been built around me, I don’t think many will know who I really am. You have a friend in me and I am extremely loyal, but just know that I am emotionally distant and hard to connect with at times. I’m not anti-social, just not user-friendly at times.