Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

After Two Years, I’m Letting You Go….

Dear former companion,

When we met several years ago, I thought I had found the better half of me.  We clicked when we first met and quickly grew close to each other.  We could sense what each other was thinking or emotions we were experiencing.  Many late nights spent on the phone talking about nothing, and countless webcam chat sessions and MSN Messenger conversations.  The more time I spent with you, the more I became under your spell.  It took me a long time to confess my feelings for you because I was scared of rejection.  You didn’t reject me and said the feelings were mutual.  Our relationship took off after that, but we had to hide it from the world.  I would do my best to rush to your side when you were upset about the way life was treating you.  I saw how you were badly treated and all I could do was hold you in my arms.  I didn’t care if your tears and snot got my shirt wet, I wanted to take your pain away.  At that point in time, if I could have, I would have gotten you out of the environment you were in.  I wanted to give you the love and respect you deserved.

However, distance and distrust began to tear us apart.  Speculations of cheating, constant fighting, self-destructive behavior, broken promises and life changes took its toll on our relationship.  We drifted apart as fast as we had grown close to each other.  Our love slowly faded into dislike.  We both became tired of the emotional roller coaster we were on, but we didn’t know how to get off of it .  It wasn’t until I made the hard decision to end it.  I acted like it didn’t bother me, but I was torn up inside.  I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  I was hurting just like you, but the toxic poison needed to stop pouring between us.  We tried to remain friends, but that was stressful as well.  Hearing about you being in a new relationship ripped me up inside.  It ripped me up because I was still in love with you.  Our friendship began to fall apart after that.

We didn’t talk to each other for six months after another one of our intense arguments until I sent you a letter asking for forgiveness.  Slowly we tried to mend our fractured friendship and rekindle our relationship, but everything fell apart.  When that happened, I was finally able to see through all of the bullshit.  I was able to see how well you had played me and my heart.  You would probably say the same about me, but we’re all human.

Alex Vause on Orange is the New Black said it best: Rule number one – Never fall in love with a straight girl.

We’re not Alex Vause and Piper Chapman, but the relationship they had reminds me of how we used to be, minus the drug trafficking.  The relationship between Adele and Emma in Blue Is The Warmest Color to me reflects how things were for us at one time.  One thing Emma said to Adele close to the end of the movie struck a chord with me. Emma: I have infinite tenderness for you, and I will my whole life.  I don’t love you anymore and you ripped my heart open with a razor blade, but you also left a scar there that has your name on it. I don’t have an infinite tenderness for you, but I hope you find what you are looking for.  I would never be able to give you what you wanted.  I am letting you go and moving on with my life.  I bid you farewell and good luck with your life.

Sincerely,

Your ex-best friend and lover

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