Music, books, and personal thoughts on life

It’s an Everyday Struggle With Clinical (Major) Depression

A few weeks ago, my mother told me that I should be the poster child of what taking medication everyday looks like.  Meaning I never skip a dose and have improved over the past four years.  In all honesty, there are many times I have wanted to stop taking my pills.  Recently I said to myself, “So this is my life from now on.  Three or four pills everyday just so I can function. Wow…”.

Meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone.  The negative voices you hear in your head fade, you start to think a bit clearer, you have a better outlook on life, and so on.  However, for me and maybe others, the pain returns, the negative thoughts return, and life doesn’t look as bright as it did before.  A relapse happens, regardless of all the medications, and talk therapy you do.  I have suffered with depression ever since I was 12.  Even with my current anti-depressant, the underlying sadness is still there.  No matter how good life may be, the depression and pain are there below the surface.

I have fought a lot of battles in my life so far.  Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, suicide attempts, countless times of rejection, and so on.  Out of all of that, depression and suicidal thoughts have been the hardest to beat.  There are times I just want to throw my hands up and say, “Okay, you guys win.”  Most of the time though, I do self talk to reason with myself about the suicidal thoughts.  “If I do this, what will it solve?”.  “Think of the pain others would suffer because you wanted end yours.”.  Those are a couple of things I tell myself to combat the negative thoughts.  Sometimes it works, but others times it’s hard.  When negative thoughts get stuck in my head, it’s hard to get rid of them.

Just because someone takes their medication daily doesn’t mean they should be the poster child for it.  If I can get out of bed, that’s a big accomplishment for me.  LOL, if I don’t lose my phone before I walk out the door, forget my keys, or to unplug the toaster, those are other BIG accomplishment for me as well.  For others it may be getting dressed and walking outside that is an accomplishment for them.

Like I said, meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone.  Please understand that no one with clinical depression can’t just ‘snap out of it’.  It’s a chemical imbalance.  Best thing you can do for someone you know who has it is to be understanding.  Be there for them and lend a listening ear.  Sometimes all they may want to do is talk to someone they trust about their thoughts.  Most of all, love them unconditionally.

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