*Asterisk indicates name has been changed to protect the person’s identity.
I never knew there was such a thing call ‘The Second Rejection’ that many adoptees go through after meeting their birth parents. I thought something was wrong with me, but later found out that it had nothing to do with me. I scoured the Internet looking articles, blogs, and research, anything that would reassure me I’m not the only one who has gone through continuous rejection from their bio mother. Scanning through the search results, I kept seeing the phrase, ‘The Second Rejection.’
It was surprising to learn that this is a common thing most adoptees experience after they have reunited and sometimes before reuniting with their birth family. I have had my own experience with this.
In my post, The Chronicles of An Adopted Child: Part One, I briefly touched on meeting my birth mother *Valerie. I never typed up Part Two, but will continue it here.
I spent some time with Valerie and my half siblings, thinking it would be a good bonding experience. It was nothing but a fallacy. No bonding took place and I was quickly shut out by Valerie. This rejection and avoidance had been constant ever since 2000. Many times I was reduced to tears because of the way she was treating me or said something that cut deep in my heart. My mom would wipe my tears and reassured me that I was loved.
From what I can gather, when young unwed mothers were sent away to maternity homes, they were told to move on with their lives after their baby was born. Now, don’t look at it as if they were being cruel because they weren’t. I think it was a way they reassured the girls they were doing the right thing.
I can only assume that these girls felt guilt and shame because of being sent away to be with other girls going through the same thing as well. When the ‘honeymoon phase’ of being reunited is over, there are some birth mothers who feel that guilt and shame come back that they had suppressed years ago. The only way they seem to know how to deal with it is to disconnect from the now adult child. That disconnect is looked at as a second rejection. Some adoptees maybe feel they were first rejected because they were put up for adoption.
If you are in the process of looking for your biological family, here are a few words of advice to follow:
Drop any unrealistic expectations you may have about them.
- If you were adopted through an agency, understand they will make you complete extensive counseling before you meet your birth mother or birth father in person. The counseling is there to help both birth parents and adoptees address issues that come along with reuniting.
- Register on your state’s adoption registry. Check the cost and guidelines. If there is a match, the next step will be counseling.
- Should your birth mother track you down through the web, which is what Valerie did with me, contact your adoption counselor immediately. Going around the protocol of the counseling can lead to devastating results.
- Any snail-mail letters that are exchanged between you and your birth parents are subject to be read by the adoption counselors before either of you get them. This happened to me since I was adopted through an agency, so not too sure if it may happen anywhere else.
Should you face that second rejection, just know it’s nothing to do with you, and you’re not alone in this. Cling to those who love you for you.
I try to distance myself from hard pressed topics in the media, but this is one I can’t stay away from anymore. I apologize if I say something to offend anyone, but I don’t sugarcoat anything. I’m blunt and to the point.
Over the past few months, the rising tension between law enforcement agencies and African-Americans has taken up a majority of the news media lately. The countless protests about how ‘Black Lives Matter’ and reacting in childish ways to injustices that may have taken place. Guess what? ALL.LIVES.MATTER!! Blue, red, white, yellow, green, purple, and whatever other color someone’s skin may be, their lives matter as well. It’s not about just one race, it’s about all races that are upon this Earth.
When I was growing up, I was taught that law enforcement was here to help us, protect us from criminals, and not to be afraid of them. I respect them. They put their lives on the line for citizens of their communities 24/7 365 days a year.
Unless you have gone through the grueling training it takes to become a member of law enforcement, you don’t have much room to say how law enforcement should do their job. They take action in situations as they were trained to do while in the academy. They only have a split second to react to a suspect that is coming towards them with intent to do them harm.
Next time you want to complain about the police, try to put yourself in their shoes. How would you react if you had a mentally ill person welding a knife at you because they are off their meds and hallucinating? How would you react if a suspect had a gun pointed at you or charged at you? Split second decision to stop them. Excessive force is needed to do that.
If an officer tells you to stop, stop. If they tell you to quit resisting, stop resisting. Show them respect.
Stop hating on law enforcement and thank them instead. Next time you see an officer or sheriff’s deputy, take the time to thank them for their service to your community.
ALL LIVES MATTER!! STOP THE HATE AGAINST LAW ENFORCEMENT! #SUPPORTTHEBLUELINE
Ever since I was 13, I have had dreams of being a famous singer/songwriter. I wanted to perform across the globe and make a living in the music business. I have written many different lyrics over the years, worked with someone to help me put music to the words, and even had some submitted to a publishing company, only to be rejected. They said my lyrics weren’t mainstream for their liking. I didn’t let that stop me from doing what I had set out to do. The engine that has driven me over the years to chase after that dream died a few years ago.
Things in my life have shifted and priorities are different now. I don’t have the drive and passion for pursing some sort of career in the music industry. Lyrics no longer flow freely from my fingertips, I haven’t actually sang in almost a year, and I just don’t have the passion for it anymore. Sure, I like to create songs on a music program on my computer, but that’s a bit different. You can’t create a masterpiece of you don’t have the passion for it.
I have focused more of my attention on writing short stories and writing a couple of books. That is where my passion lies now. It’s a better fit for me and I enjoy it more. I’ll still do a few things around music, but not as much as I have in the past. Sometimes you have to set one of your dreams free. I’m letting go of a music career dream so I can pursue the one where my passion truly lies…writing stories.
Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Department created a Facebook page in hopes of someone would recognize the female only known as Bossier Doe. Her body was found by hunters in a wooded area on January 28, 1981. It was estimated she had been there between 4 to 6 weeks. 34 years later, Bossier Doe has been identified as 17-year-old Carol Ann Cole from Kalamazoo, Michigan.
34 years…that’s a long time, an eternity to those who have been searching for their loved one. That’s how long I’ve been alive. Tears filled my eyes as I watched the press conference and listened to Carol Ann’s sister, Jeanie, read her statement.
The investigation into Carol Ann’s murder is still ongoing. Someone please come forward with any information you may have pertaining to her case. Please contact Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Office if you have any information that may help them solve Carol Ann’s case!!
This world and her family were robbed of a relationship and many more memories that could have continued to be made. From what I have read so far, Carol Ann was an easy-going, loving, kind, and caring person. She had a knack for taking care of young children. I imagine she is up in Heaven right now helping take care of the children there.
JUSTICE FOR CAROL ANN!!!
Blog from April 2014
UPDATE: There have been reports that a girl, who was murdered in the early 80s, is possibly linked to New Bethany. Please look at this Facebook page and see if you recognize her. She has a family out there who needs closure. Thanks.
Last week, a couple of friends posted a link to a multi-part series of an article published by The Times-Picayune about some former residents of New Bethany Home for Girls filing charges against the minister who ran the place. I sat in shock as I read what they endured while they were there. My interest in this hellhole spilled over into searching the internet for more information. Story after story of physical abuse, sexual abuse and brainwashing by this horrible man, Mack Ford, and his staff left wounds so deep in these people’s lives.
New Bethany, in my eyes, was nothing but a way for Mack Ford to make money and hide behind “religion” to satisfy his sick pedophile fantasies. I put religion in quotes because it is man-made and it kills everything. As a child I was disciplined with a belt if I did anything wrong. I was never…
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A few years ago, I watched an online sermon from a mega church I was attending at that time. A friend of mine had suggested I watch it after a discussion we had. From what I remember, the sermon talked about the effects of premarital sex and what the Bible has to say about it. Towards the end of the message, the pastor started talking about how homosexuality is a sin. He then paraphrased the following verses:
9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV
He then went on to tell about a something he either read or heard about a pastor who was on the radio answering questions. I think he said someone called in and asked why the church didn’t accept gays in church. The pastor said that gays are always welcome in church and love on them. If I remember correctly, the pastor said they could come listen to sermons, participate in worship, attend church functions, but would not be able to take on a leadership role. When I heard that, it was as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I would never be allowed to be a spiritual leader no matter where I attended. During the time I watched the sermon by the pastor of the mega church, I had not fully come out. He said, “We must love the sinners, but hate the sin.” You can only imagine how ‘dirty’ I felt.
I grew up going to church just about every Sunday. I participated in Children’s Choir, attended Vacation Bible School in the summer, studied scriptures for the week’s Sunday school lesson, went to church camp, and spent countless hours memorizing the names of the Old and New Testaments in the Bible. As I got older though, I didn’t attend as much. In 2010, I had a spiritual awakening, and began to attend the mega church on a regular basis.
Slowly I began to slip away from going after hearing the end of the sermon in 2011. I have never lost my belief in my faith. I lost faith in the church. I have always known that I had a calling on my life to serve the needs of others. The one place I felt like I belonged soon became the place that I avoided. I stopped going to one group that introduced me to new friends and was like a support system for all of us single moms. I felt if the leader of this group found out about my sexuality that she would ban me from attending. Besides, if I ever wanted to serve as a small group leader, I wouldn’t be able to do so. All because of one small fraction of who I am and being attracted to the same sex. I was not going to be of use to them, so why stick around?
Over the past two years, I have been on a spiritual journey of my own. I have researched and have asked myself, ‘What is God’s true view about homosexuality?’ I found out that God loves me for who I am. God is not angry with me or other LGBTs out in the world. It’s some people’s perception that He is.
My mother recently asked me when I was going to start attending church again. I told her I am slowly warming up to it, but fear is still holding me back. I have come to realize that I can help others without being a leader in a church setting. I can still serve people regardless of my sexuality. I am a good person even though I have flaws in my character. I will eventually go back, but not anytime soon.
A few weeks ago, my mother told me that I should be the poster child of what taking medication everyday looks like. Meaning I never skip a dose and have improved over the past four years. In all honesty, there are many times I have wanted to stop taking my pills. Recently I said to myself, “So this is my life from now on. Three or four pills everyday just so I can function. Wow…”.
Meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone. The negative voices you hear in your head fade, you start to think a bit clearer, you have a better outlook on life, and so on. However, for me and maybe others, the pain returns, the negative thoughts return, and life doesn’t look as bright as it did before. A relapse happens, regardless of all the medications, and talk therapy you do. I have suffered with depression ever since I was 12. Even with my current anti-depressant, the underlying sadness is still there. No matter how good life may be, the depression and pain are there below the surface.
I have fought a lot of battles in my life so far. Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, suicide attempts, countless times of rejection, and so on. Out of all of that, depression and suicidal thoughts have been the hardest to beat. There are times I just want to throw my hands up and say, “Okay, you guys win.” Most of the time though, I do self talk to reason with myself about the suicidal thoughts. “If I do this, what will it solve?”. “Think of the pain others would suffer because you wanted end yours.”. Those are a couple of things I tell myself to combat the negative thoughts. Sometimes it works, but others times it’s hard. When negative thoughts get stuck in my head, it’s hard to get rid of them.
Just because someone takes their medication daily doesn’t mean they should be the poster child for it. If I can get out of bed, that’s a big accomplishment for me. LOL, if I don’t lose my phone before I walk out the door, forget my keys, or to unplug the toaster, those are other BIG accomplishment for me as well. For others it may be getting dressed and walking outside that is an accomplishment for them.
Like I said, meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone. Please understand that no one with clinical depression can’t just ‘snap out of it’. It’s a chemical imbalance. Best thing you can do for someone you know who has it is to be understanding. Be there for them and lend a listening ear. Sometimes all they may want to do is talk to someone they trust about their thoughts. Most of all, love them unconditionally.