Music, books, and personal thoughts on life


What About The Victims of Sexual Abuse?


Ever since hearing about the news that a star of a popular reality show acknowledged his guilt in molesting underage girls as a teen, I have been seething inside.  It just goes to show why we should never put a human being on a pedestal.  Humans beings will always disappoint you.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it sickens me that this family didn’t go directly to authorities once they found out and kept it secret.  Abuse in any form leaves a lifetime scar on those who go through it.  A neighbor my parents trusted molested me from the time I started potty training until I told my mother when I was 10.  He and his wife kept me quiet by showering me with gifts.  I have lost count how many times I have attempted suicide.  For the longest time I thought I was damaged good, that no one would be able to love me because of what happened.  Therapy over the years though has helped me see that the negative thoughts I’ve had are false.  I will always carry the scars, but they are proof I survived.

My daughter is a survivor of sexual abuse.  In 2010, she told me that a young boy who mother was friends with her then stepmother, had been locking her in a closet with him, and he made her do stuff she didn’t like.  It was so frustrating to deal with law enforcement and the Department of Children and Family services that year.  The left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing.  A social worker never came to interview us in person and the police chief of the small town closed the case.  He said there was not enough evidence to even pursue the case.  In the summer of 2012, her now ex-stepbrother, who was 14 at the time (she was 8.), repeatedly raped her.  She was scared she would get in trouble for telling since the boy told her she would.  On December 27th, 2012, she finally broke her silence.  I told her she did the right thing, how proud of her I was, and she wasn’t in trouble.  I went on a warpath to get justice for her.

In January 2013, things were different though.  The proper chain of command took place and an emergency custody order was awarded.  The social worker assigned to my daughter’s case helped us through everything and law enforcement charged the boy for the crime he committed.

My daughter is getting the counseling she needs to help her cope with what happened.  She is happier than she was before and is learning to move past it.  The memories won’t completely fade, but she will have the coping skills to get through them.

I pray that the young girls that were victims of this reality show predator are getting the help they need and use their trauma as a testimony to help others.


Bring Carol Ann Home

carol ann1

Please help if you can, every dollar counts!  If you are unable to donate, will you please share this link?  Carol Ann deserves a beautiful place to rest, so let’s help her family make that happen!

‘Bossier Doe’ Has a Name: Carol Ann Cole


Left: Computer composite drawing of Bossier Doe. Right: Carol Ann Cole (Photo taken from on (Photos courtesy Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Office and Patty Thorington)

Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Department created a Facebook page in hopes of someone would recognize the female only known as Bossier Doe.  Her body was found by hunters in a wooded area on January 28, 1981.  It was estimated she had been there between 4 to 6 weeks.  34 years later, Bossier Doe has been identified as 17-year-old Carol Ann Cole from Kalamazoo, Michigan.

34 years…that’s a long time, an eternity to those who have been searching for their loved one.  That’s how long I’ve been alive.  Tears filled my eyes as I watched the press conference and listened to Carol Ann’s sister, Jeanie, read her statement.

The investigation into Carol Ann’s murder is still ongoing.  Someone please come forward with any information you may have pertaining to her case.  Please contact Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Office if you have any information that may help them solve Carol Ann’s case!!

This world and her family were robbed of a relationship and many more memories that could have continued to be made.  From what I have read so far, Carol Ann was an easy-going, loving, kind, and caring person.  She had a knack for taking care of young children.  I imagine she is up in Heaven right now helping take care of the children there.


New Bethany Home For Girls: Hell on Earth UPDATE

Blog from April 2014

UPDATE: There have been reports that a girl, who was murdered in the early 80s, is possibly linked to New Bethany.  Please look at this Facebook page and see if you recognize her.  She has a family out there who needs closure.  Thanks.

I Am A Dutch Viking

Last week, a couple of friends posted a link to a multi-part series of an article published by The Times-Picayune about some former residents of New Bethany Home for Girls filing charges against the minister who ran the place.  I sat in shock as I read what they endured while they were there.  My interest in this hellhole spilled over into searching the internet for more information.  Story after story of physical abuse, sexual abuse and brainwashing by this horrible man, Mack Ford, and his staff left wounds so deep in these people’s lives.

New Bethany, in my eyes, was nothing but a way for Mack Ford to make money and hide behind “religion” to satisfy his sick pedophile fantasies.  I put religion in quotes because it is man-made and it kills everything.  As a child I was disciplined with a belt if I did anything wrong.  I was never…

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Why I Stopped Going to Church

A few years ago, I watched an online sermon from a mega church I was attending at that time. A friend of mine had suggested I watch it after a discussion we had. From what I remember, the sermon talked about the effects of premarital sex and what the Bible has to say about it. Towards the end of the message, the pastor started talking about how homosexuality is a sin. He then paraphrased the following verses:

9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV

He then went on to tell about a something he either read or heard about a pastor who was on the radio answering questions. I think he said someone called in and asked why the church didn’t accept gays in church. The pastor said that gays are always welcome in church and love on them. If I remember correctly, the pastor said they could come listen to sermons, participate in worship, attend church functions, but would not be able to take on a leadership role. When I heard that, it was as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I would never be allowed to be a spiritual leader no matter where I attended. During the time I watched the sermon by the pastor of the mega church, I had not fully come out. He said, “We must love the sinners, but hate the sin.” You can only imagine how ‘dirty’ I felt.

I grew up going to church just about every Sunday. I participated in Children’s Choir, attended Vacation Bible School in the summer, studied scriptures for the week’s Sunday school lesson, went to church camp, and spent countless hours memorizing the names of the Old and New Testaments in the Bible. As I got older though, I didn’t attend as much. In 2010, I had a spiritual awakening, and began to attend the mega church on a regular basis.

Slowly I began to slip away from going after hearing the end of the sermon in 2011. I have never lost my belief in my faith. I lost faith in the church. I have always known that I had a calling on my life to serve the needs of others. The one place I felt like I belonged soon became the place that I avoided. I stopped going to one group that introduced me to new friends and was like a support system for all of us single moms. I felt if the leader of this group found out about my sexuality that she would ban me from attending. Besides, if I ever wanted to serve as a small group leader, I wouldn’t be able to do so. All because of one small fraction of who I am and being attracted to the same sex. I was not going to be of use to them, so why stick around?

Over the past two years, I have been on a spiritual journey of my own. I have researched and have asked myself, ‘What is God’s true view about homosexuality?’ I found out that God loves me for who I am. God is not angry with me or other LGBTs out in the world. It’s some people’s perception that He is.

My mother recently asked me when I was going to start attending church again. I told her I am slowly warming up to it, but fear is still holding me back. I have come to realize that I can help others without being a leader in a church setting. I can still serve people regardless of my sexuality. I am a good person even though I have flaws in my character. I will eventually go back, but not anytime soon.

It’s an Everyday Struggle With Clinical (Major) Depression

A few weeks ago, my mother told me that I should be the poster child of what taking medication everyday looks like.  Meaning I never skip a dose and have improved over the past four years.  In all honesty, there are many times I have wanted to stop taking my pills.  Recently I said to myself, “So this is my life from now on.  Three or four pills everyday just so I can function. Wow…”.

Meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone.  The negative voices you hear in your head fade, you start to think a bit clearer, you have a better outlook on life, and so on.  However, for me and maybe others, the pain returns, the negative thoughts return, and life doesn’t look as bright as it did before.  A relapse happens, regardless of all the medications, and talk therapy you do.  I have suffered with depression ever since I was 12.  Even with my current anti-depressant, the underlying sadness is still there.  No matter how good life may be, the depression and pain are there below the surface.

I have fought a lot of battles in my life so far.  Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, suicide attempts, countless times of rejection, and so on.  Out of all of that, depression and suicidal thoughts have been the hardest to beat.  There are times I just want to throw my hands up and say, “Okay, you guys win.”  Most of the time though, I do self talk to reason with myself about the suicidal thoughts.  “If I do this, what will it solve?”.  “Think of the pain others would suffer because you wanted end yours.”.  Those are a couple of things I tell myself to combat the negative thoughts.  Sometimes it works, but others times it’s hard.  When negative thoughts get stuck in my head, it’s hard to get rid of them.

Just because someone takes their medication daily doesn’t mean they should be the poster child for it.  If I can get out of bed, that’s a big accomplishment for me.  LOL, if I don’t lose my phone before I walk out the door, forget my keys, or to unplug the toaster, those are other BIG accomplishment for me as well.  For others it may be getting dressed and walking outside that is an accomplishment for them.

Like I said, meds and talk therapy can only do so much for someone.  Please understand that no one with clinical depression can’t just ‘snap out of it’.  It’s a chemical imbalance.  Best thing you can do for someone you know who has it is to be understanding.  Be there for them and lend a listening ear.  Sometimes all they may want to do is talk to someone they trust about their thoughts.  Most of all, love them unconditionally.

Crazy Over Göteborg, Sweden

On my Facebook page recently, I have been sharing and posting photos of Göteborg, Sweden.  I’m probably sure I have some friends wondering why I am so hooked on GBG.  Sometimes when you research and study about a location you want to visit or use as a setting in a story, you can’t help but get hooked.  That’s how it is for me anyway.  For the past 20 years, I have been gathering information about Göteborg.  It has been the setting for my current manuscript since 1994.  The story line has drastically changed, but never the location. “Why doesn’t your story take place in the Southern U.S.?”  “You have never lived in Sweden or Göteborg, so how do you know what the city and people are like.”  In the rules of writing, you can break them. There is no set standard how you should write it or where the location takes place.  I have learned that the citizens of Göteborg seem opened minded and friendly.  The city has diversity, which is a good thing, despite the issues that already exist.  No city, town, or village is perfect. They all have their problems.  Bottom line, the city fits what I want in my story.  I have a few friends who can critique my portrayal of my Swedish characters, but I will have a bit of an American twist.